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Thread: Official Joke Thread - One a day

  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by pops View Post
    OK, this is a good joke. Pretty high brow to. It's set in ancient Greece. But it's a long story and you can't really expect me to type it all out in one setting so I'll have to break it up.

    It seems that Greece was in the middle of a devastating drought and so the Athenians took it upon themselves to consult an oracle and see what could be done. The oracle did all the oracle things and came back with an answer. The drought would end when the Athenians captured one of the sacred seagulls known to inhabit certain areas of Greece, took it to the temple of Poseidon (which was, by the way some distance from Athens and located - not surprisingly - by the sea). At the temple of Poseidon, they would find a pod of porpoise-like creatures whom the gods had favored and on whom they bestowed endless life. Once the gulls had been offered in sacrifice to these creatures, the drought would end.

    But that's all the typing I can take for this evening, I'll try to get back to the joke tomorrow.
    OK, it was a fairly easy job to nab one of the gulls. Gulls - even sacred ones - will eat about anything. So they set a trap with a bit of left over gyros and that was that. But Athenians city officials weren't really eager to make the long and potentially dangerous journey to the temple of Poseidon so they needed an emissary. Now, finding the proper emissary was a lot tougher than bagging a gull. They needed someone who was honest and who, once he had committed to the task, would follow through. It also wouldn't hurt if he was a bit nuts.

    Fortunately they had just the man, Diogenes. Now there were a number of Diogeneses in ancient Greece but we're talking about the one who was a beggar and philosopher and went around during the daytime with a lit lantern looking for an honest man. Reportedly he didn't find one. Anyway the town officials decided Diogenes was their man, handed over the gull and sent him on his way. The side benefit was of course that even if the drought continued, Diogenes would be out of town and quit hounding them with all that honest man stuff.

    And my lunch hour is over and I have to get back to work. More later...

  2. #12
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    Two friends decide to buy a horse. Then one notices that the price of two horses goes way down (apparently the threshold for bulk discounts on horses is very low). So they pool their money and purchase two horses. Now comes the problems. They need to find a way to tell the two horses apart. They look at this from every angle and finally decide the best course of action is to cut the tail off one of the horses. This is a painless procedure for the horse - just like getting a hair cut and should be pretty easy to accomplish. So the two men set of to trim the tail off one of the horses. The horse, seeing the two men coming at it with scissors in hand has none of that. It bucks, and kicks and screams as it froths at the mouth. The two men battle the horse for well over an hour to accomplish this simple task. Once they are done one remarks to the other, "you know, we probably didn't have to go through all that. Now that I look at them I can clearly see that your black horse is much shorter than my brown one!"
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  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by pops View Post
    OK, it was a fairly easy job to nab one of the gulls. Gulls - even sacred ones - will eat about anything. So they set a trap with a bit of left over gyros and that was that. But Athenians city officials weren't really eager to make the long and potentially dangerous journey to the temple of Poseidon so they needed an emissary. Now, finding the proper emissary was a lot tougher than bagging a gull. They needed someone who was honest and who, once he had committed to the task, would follow through. It also wouldn't hurt if he was a bit nuts.

    Fortunately they had just the man, Diogenes. Now there were a number of Diogeneses in ancient Greece but we're talking about the one who was a beggar and philosopher and went around during the daytime with a lit lantern looking for an honest man. Reportedly he didn't find one. Anyway the town officials decided Diogenes was their man, handed over the gull and sent him on his way. The side benefit was of course that even if the drought continued, Diogenes would be out of town and quit hounding them with all that honest man stuff.

    And my lunch hour is over and I have to get back to work. More later...
    This had better be the funniest joke you've never told me because you're building it up a bit much.

  4. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by skitzzo View Post
    This had better be the funniest joke you've never told me because you're building it up a bit much.
    I'm not building it up. It just takes a while to set the scene. And besides, you're learning a bit of classical history at the same time. It's a win-win!

    I'll do you a favor and skip the largest part of the journey and tell you that, as Diogenes approaches his goal, he is forced to navigate a dangerous mountain pass. At one point he comes to narrow cliff edge with a thousand feet of sheer rock face on the left, and a thousand feet of air on the right. Dead ahead, guarding the pass, is the most magnificent lion (there were lions in Europe back then) that Diogenes - or anyone else - has ever seen. The lion also talks (stuff like that happened all the time in ancient Greece, you can look it up).

    Since this is the only path through the mountains there is naturally a long line of travelers lined up waiting to get past the lion. Each one in turn approaches the lion who asks why they want to pass. Once he's heard their story, the lion lays down on the path and the traveler is allowed to climb over his body and continue on his way. Since the lion seems to be allowing everyone to pass, Diogenes considers this to be only a minor delay and gets in line.

    When, at last, it's Diogenes' turn to approach the lion...

  5. #15
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    Disney Password

    My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

    I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

    "Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
    Why did God make me so sexy?

  6. #16
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    A man and his friend are playing golf on a fine sunny day at their local course. One of the guys is about to play his stroke onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the golf course. He stops just before he is about to hit the golf ball, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer on watching the same.

    His friend says: “Wow, that is the most touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a emotional and kind gentleman.”

    The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
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  7. #17
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    A man walks into a bar, sees a beautiful lady sitting down there at the Bar counter, he straight away walks down to her, stands just behind her and slowly whispers in her ears "hi lady, let me have the honor to buy you a drink".

    The lady shouts back, "Hell NO, I dont wanna sleep with you!! " The bar goes silent and everyone is amazed and is staring at the poor guy..his face goes red with embarassment, and right after he qietly goes back sits on a chair.

    The Lady comes back to him, sits with him and slowly starts to apologize for her act: "I am sorry, actually I am doing a research as to how men react to embarrasing situations.."

    The Man Shouts back: "Freakin what??? $1000 IS TOO MUCH!!!!! "
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  8. #18
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    Ahhhh... bar jokes.

    Imagine a sprawling metropolis. In one of the tall skyscrapers is an exclusive bar at the top. A man is sitting at the bar and another joins him. The first man, clearly drunk says to the second, "you know the wind up here is sooooo strong it can hold a grown man in the air?"

    The second man doesn't say much, just nods a bit of agreement and orders his drink from the bartender. Some time and drinks goes by and the first man starts up again, "here, I'll prove it to you!" And he runs to the window, flings it open and jumps out into the night air.

    The second man is horrified! And then the first man calmly re-enters through the window. "See, I told you."

    The second man is amazed and fueled by liquid courage says, "I gotta try that!" and leaps out the window where he falls to his death.

    ...

    The bartender says to the first man, "You sure are a mean drunk Superman!"
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  9. #19
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    Hey, pops! Where's the rest of your joke...?

    ________________________________________________________

    Ok, mine for today...

    The potato family are all sitting around the table eating dinner, Daddy Idaho Potato, Momma Maine Potato, and Baby Sweet Potato, when suddenly Baby Sweet Potato chirps up, "Daddy, when I grow up, I want to marry Dan Rather!"

    "Oh no!", Daddy Idaho Potato replies. "You can't marry Dan Rather honey!"

    "But why, daddy?" Baby Sweet Potato asks.

    "Well, honey... look at me. I'm your father, the famous Idaho Potato." Daddy Sweet Potato says.

    "I know daddy," Baby Sweet Potato says.

    "And look, there's your mom, she's the famous Maine Potato," Daddy Idaho Potato continues.

    "Well, yes," Baby Sweet Potato says. "I know that too daddy."

    "And you, sweetie," Daddy Potato says, "are the famous Sweet Potato!"

    "Daddy!" Baby Sweet Potato cries, "I know all that! But what does that have to do with me marrying Dan Rather?"

    "Oh, sweetie, don't you see? Dan Rather is just a common tater!"

    Ba-dump-bump!

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  10. #20
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    Well, I won't bore you with all of the pilgrims' stories. While interesting, they don't move the narrative along and I know your getting restless.

    So, eventually Diogenes makes his way to the front of the line and goes through the whole spiel about the drought, the oracle, the sacred bird, the sea mammals with eternal life, Poseidon, etc., etc.). Being a philosopher, this took quite a while and I must say the lion listened very politely.

    Eventually Diogenes winds up his story, picks up the bird cage and prepares to crawl over the lion. Unfortunately, the lion has other plans. He rears up on his hind legs, give Diogenes a very disapproving look, roars and tells him that after hearing the story there is no way he can let him pass.

    Diogenes is of course a bit confused and tries to explain himself further but the lion is a very busy lion and other people are waiting so that's that. Upon reflection it occurs to Diogenes that perhaps the lion was just a bit out of sorts or that he had misunderstood the importance of Diogenes' mission. So he decides to get back in line and give it another try.

    Skip ahead a bit and Diogenes is back at the front of the line. When the lion sees him he gets a bit upset and says, "Diogenes I've already told you I can't allow you to crawl over me to get through this pass, now get out of here before I decide to eat you and that gull myself!"

    To which Diogenese replies, "Meaning no offense oh great and powerful lion but I just don't get it. You've let everyone else pass and none of them were on a mission as important as mine. If I must turn back, can you at least tell me why?"

    The lion looked sadly at Diogenes and shook his head. "Surely a man as wise as you must know," he said...

    Punchline coming soon.

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