Gather ’round – It’s a Spam Roast!

Maybe I’ve been in a very inspired mood lately. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been getting more spam than ever before. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m sick of having my profession and industry sullied by spammers masquerading as SEOs. Maybe I just need another creative outlet. Whatever the reason, this poor guy picked the wrong person to spam.

From: Abhilash [mailto:abhilash@spiderroost.com]

Hello,

Manual Directory Submission –
www.manualdirectorysubmission.in

Thanks for taking services from me in the past in various forums. I have recently started my own website for directory submission services and am getting tremondous response for it with most of my clients staying.

We submit your site to a quality list of directories and provide you the proof of submission.

For various packages available kindly visit :
http://www.manualdirectorysubmission.in

Try us for one time and we know you will stay with us forever !!

Abhilash Pillai
SEO Bet
A Division of Spiderroost Technologies
www.manualdirectorysubmission.in

And of course my response:

Dear Abhilash,

Surely you’ll forgive me for distrusting your email right off the bat as it does not have a way for me to unsubscribe from future rubbish. Also since I’ve never ordered a product from you despite what your email claims, I’m inclined to believe that you are in fact a liar. I don’t purchase useful products, not to mention meaningless and worthless directory submissions, from liars.

Also, I happened to notice the SEO in your signature. Surely since I am an SEO as well you thought this would impress me or maybe lend a bit more legitimacy to your piss poor product. I’m sorry to inform you that it in fact did the opposite. You see, any SEO worth his or her salt would have gotten a .com domain for their product. I mean it’s one thing to have a personal blog or a hobby site on a .in domain but if you’re going to be selling a service you probably should consider getting a proper .com domain. (Please note, I’m not picking on .in domains here, the same goes for all you .info, .biz, .us, .net, .ru, .eu and .cn spammers out there as well. For the love of everything holy, if you’re going to spam, at least spam well. Get a .com!)

In the interest of driving this point home even further, I visited the site in your email address (spiderroost.com – link condom applied). Without going into too much detail I just have to ask, who sat down and said “I know! We’ll call it Spider Roost, where spiders rest and men work”? Have they been fired yet? If not, go do that now… I’ll wait. Oh wait, while you’re at it can you go ahead and find out who had the “brilliant” idea of playing annoying music constantly on the site… without so much as offering a pause or stop button? Got em? Great. If you could go ahead and toss them out of a 5th story window that would be great. Thanks. But where were we?

Oh yes of course! To top it off, you used you’re name while spamming! I must say, this was probably the biggest of the many mistakes (like targeting SEO’s for this spam) you’ve made in this spam campaign. With such a unique name I quickly remembered that I had seen this name before and sure enough…

With just a quick few clicks I found your MyBlogLog profile. Now, I’m not usually one to pick fights with people I don’t know (just to let you know, this is what’s known as sarcasm), however since you felt it was acceptable to spam me, I feel that it’s acceptable to point out that your appearance suggests you might be better suited to a career in the porn industry. And, as I’m sure you could guess, I don’t purchase products or services, again not to mention ones as useless as yours, from sleazy porn stars.

To recap, you’re a spammer, a liar, your site’s absolute rubbish, and you’re quite possibly a porn star. In baseball it’s three strikes and you’re out. I’m not quite sure about that wonky game of cricket so I gave you one extra strike just to be sure but either way, you’re out. Good day to you, sir.

I said Good Day!

If you’d like to roast a bit of spam for yourself, feel free to jump into the always entertaining discussions in the Spam Roast section of our SEO Forum.